I’ve written and re-written this blog in my head many times
over the past weeks, and it always comes out about the same… Mostly just
rambling and reflecting. It’s been 10
years since my big brother took his life, and I love him as much today as I did
back then, but I’ve moved on. My life
has changed drastically because of the decisions he made. I felt robbed of my innocence when he was
gone. I was only 19 and I was writing a
eulogy and picking out a casket. I was
smacked in the face with the reality that life is not forever- so we must enjoy
the time we have with our loved ones, and learn to let insignificant things go-
and it is because of this realization that I became a more compassionate and
carefree person.
I don’t specifically remember most of the last 3,650ish days
since Joey passed away, but September 25, 2004 will always be burned into my
brain. It was a beautiful Saturday. The weather was much like it is today,
actually. I remember almost every minute
of the 3 ½ hour car ride back to my parents’ house from my dorm at WKU. I wanted it to last forever, because I knew
that when I arrived home his death would feel more like a reality. I think I looked out the window and cried or
sat very silently for the majority of the drive. I was trying to figure out how I was going to
continue to exist without my big brother.
Joey and I weren’t always best friends, in fact we spent a good 15 years
or so absolutely hating each other. But
in the last 4 years we had become really close, and I loved our bond. We spoke on the phone nearly every day. Who was I going to call now? It was a very surreal and cruel feeling. The next 3 days flew by. I don’t think I slept at all- we made funeral
arrangements and sat around the kitchen table in silence. Occasionally we laughed, but it felt odd to
laugh without him around. Like we were
cheating on him. How could we laugh,
when he was gone…
It wasn’t until after the funeral passed and it was time to
return to reality that his death became very difficult for me. I remember shopping and looking around and
everyone and thinking how can they be so normal, when my brother is dead. I knew loved ones cared- but eventually calls
to check up on me stopped, everyone's lives moved forward- but it didn’t feel
like mine was. I decided to take the
rest of the semester off and move back to my parents’ house- It was lonely
there, but at least I was surrounded by people who understood. After the holidays- which were so painful
(thanksgiving was the 2 month anniversary, Christmas was the 3 month
anniversary) my parents gently nudged me to either go back to school or get a
job. I decided to try my hand at being a
flight attendant because I saw it as a way to connect with Joey. He was a pilot, and it was his true passion
in life- maybe if I were a flight attendant I could experience the same joy
that he devoted his life to. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a great choice for me- I
ended up feeling even more isolated and lonely than I was living in my parents
basement. After a few months I quit my
job, and went back to Western. I had
missed too much though- everyone had progressed through their sophomore year,
and I was starting over. I spent 1 more
year at western then decided to move home to NKY for good. I finished out my degree at NKU and
thankfully put college behind me. It was
a struggle. I was resentful that I had
this obstacle that consumed my thoughts- and nobody else seemed to have a care
in the world.
I am forever grateful to all my friends and family members
who picked me back up, or set me straight when I was feeling sorry for myself
or lost my direction. I’m not really sad
anymore- I’d love to know who Joey would have become, but I’m not angry or
resentful, or bitter. He was only 22- at
the time I thought he was so old and so wise, but in reality he was a kid. The day I out lived him felt very weird. He was my “big brother” but I was now older…
Very odd. If I could have one more day with
him today I’d say thank you for teaching me one of life’s most difficult and
important lessons. I’d tell him all
about the things he has missed- the 4 nieces and nephew he’s never met, my
experiences in Boston, my wedding day… Id invite him over to our new house to spend
time with Kyle and our dogs. I’d go out
to eat with him- because that kid loved food.
I’d take 1 last flight with him in one of the crappy little 2 seater Cessna’s
he used to fly, and I’d give him the world’s biggest hug.
I know Joey would be proud of me- of everyone in my family. I'd like to think that we all live with a little more purpose because of him. So my PSA for the day is: when you're angry with family and friends- realize that your time with them is limited. You could have years, or only months and days left with them. You'll live a happier and more purposeful life if you hold on to the happy, and not the hate.
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